How To Play With Fire

{photo: chaplinfortheages.tumblr.com}

Picture in your mind, the many times you've seen an action movie with an explosive fire scene. Now, take that scene and slow it down. Don't think about the details leading up to the fire, in fact, forget about the when/where/how of it altogether.
Think about the fire itself.
In the moment the explosion happens, often the audio is dimmed, and the visuals shift into slow motion. There is a pause.

I'm in that pause.
I am in that part where the deafening silence engulfs, and the earth gives an ever so slight lift to her friend
the fire.

Can you see that space I am talking about?  There's that seemingly centimeters or inches of space between the ground and the brilliant color of the fire. It's sort of white-blue, and appears to be magic.

That is what I see to be the earth, supporting that flame.

Today, I woke with a fire in me. Fire shows itself to me in different ways, but today was a bursting flame, of anger.

Not what you expected?  Me either.

Without going into detail, I will only say that Mama-Bear has something to do with this fire, this anger.

I have some actions to take, and I woke with ideas of how I'd just charge right in, and unleash the ROAR, and be the hero.....

BUT, that would also garner new and possibly more angry enemies.

So, as I think about that fire in me, and that earth-supported pause,
the realization of my voice is coming to life. There must be a phoenix in there somewhere, and I intend to take this swelling fire in my belly, allow it to rise, and as I feel that sensation, I will think through how I should proceed with the challenges in front of me. It is all about strategy.

I shall play with this fire.

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."

~Winston Churchill

{photo: fineartamerica.com}

Sitting In Yin

I've always experienced what my friend Michele likes to call, "themes".
Themes come in many forms and should be of the self-improvement variety.
One of my currently-recurring themes is solitude.
In the not so distant past, I was terrified to be alone with myself and my thoughts.
I would abuse the then-current theme of distraction, in order to avoid....well, ME.

Some time, and some growing pains have changed my mind on how I feel about myself.
I can now honestly say I know what it means to, "Turn Inward", to find "true self".

I've had a few conversations over the last few years, with people I have found to be very happy in silence.
It's second nature to them. They can sit in quiet, and entertain themselves with all sorts of wonders of the world...seemingly, in their head. They are quite good at it, and I had envied their ability to be so happy in their worlds of blissful selves.

I don't know exactly when the shift occurred, but I can only imagine that it began with that curiosity I had.
I'd ask questions of what they do, when they are alone, what they think about, and I would ask if they get lonely, (and then subsequently panic, as I'd do when I was alone in my silence).
Again, they all had relatively the same answers, and they all shared an air of confidence and eluded to some secret that I was not privy to.

Well, as I think on it now, the shift in my homeostatic paradigm, began with me actually taking care of myself.
I've left a job that only stressed me out, and made me ill.
I began to practice yoga again.
I'm having coffee and lunches with friends.
I've cut WAY back on drinking.
I'm selecting better foods to eat.
I've started reading again.
I'm listening to more music.
I am running my own business now, and love every minute of it.
I have more time to spend with my kids, the love of my life, and my friends.
I'm getting better sleep.
I write more.
I express more.
I have confidence in my voice now.
I laugh more.
I smile more....

And....I'm quiet.

As I sit here, there's no music playing.
I have no urgent thing to do, (right this moment.)
I can bask in this glorious space of silence.
And then share it with you.

There are so many wonderful things to learn, when you make time to just BE.
You know what's happened?

I've finally fallen in love with ME.

Hallelujah! It's about time.



{photo credit: Me. Almost a year ago. Taken while watching my children play, laugh, and scream in the snow...building a snowman (and giving him a mo-hawk), and sledding down steep snowy hills in Flagstaff.}

Mama-Bear

It's tough being a parent. It's even tougher as a divorced parent. You cannot always be around every day, for every moment. Every trial, scrape, bump, bruise to the ego, giggle, hug, and good night kiss.
Every smile, hug, and whisper.
A divorced parent cannot be there for all of these.
It's tough.
And it hurts.

I have lain awake at night, thinking about all the worst case scenarios. What if their (dad/stepmom) house gets broken into, and I am not there to curl up with my kids when they are scared?
Yes, I've even imagined the zombie apocalypse (or some other freakish or even natural disaster) and I am not right there, just feet from their bedrooms for mama-bear to kick in and heroically defend their sweet little bodies.
Hell, I can't even write this without choking up.
*A few tears, rolling down my cheeks.*

I want to be there for them always.
The emotional mom in me, wants to be that helicopter parent.
The one, hovering, making sure everything is OK at any given moment.
But, I cannot.

I cannot always be there.
This is where we are.

I cherish every moment I do have with them, and I know they are in good hands when they are not.
Sure, there are struggles in each household....but that would be true anywhere, and with any combination of parents in the home.

As a MOM, the mother I want to be, the mother I AM,
I will teach. I will love. And I will laugh with my children.
I can actually DO this, without having to be there for every moment.
I've BEEN doing this.

The thing for me to remember is, telling "Emo-Mom", that "Super-Mom" is only words away from her babies.

So, my dear children. Even if I cannot physically BE there by your side at every moment,
I am a phone call away.
I am a recollection in your mind of what MOM would say, or what MOM would do.

As I recently told my daughter, who had been struggling with something, and very upset that I could not be RIGHT there....
"Jade. Mama is telling you to BREATHE. Take a deep breath, splash your face with some water, and go lay down. You are bigger than this. I love you. And, Jade?  ("Yes, mom?") I am giving you a brain-hug right now."
Jade giggled, and I knew I had touched her, even from afar.

My struggles as a parent are far from over.
It's really only just begun.
I now have a teenage daughter, and she is going to need me a lot.
I am ready.

Mama-Bear needs to lace up her combat boots, and buckle up the tool belt, because there's a few battles up ahead, and I will lead and teach my children as best I can....
even from here, when they are there.

image: http://www.peachridgeglass.com/